A conversation with Marta Federczyk

Marta moved to Portsmouth from Poland 12 years ago, and gave birth to her son soon after. She talks to Hayley Cook about the emotions she felt as a first-time mum, being in a new country and meeting other mums through the Family Hubs, and the advice she would give to other parents who might be struggling with their mental health.

This video is available in English and Polish.

Ten film jest dostępny w języku angielskim i polskim.

So tell me a little bit about when you had your son?

Yes, that was a real blessing as I’d tried to have specifically a boy for two years. I moved to England and after two months I found out I’m pregnant, without expectation and without any stable home or anything for the baby, no bed, nothing.

So, it was happy but a really stressful time for me being new in the country with basic English and no baby clothes. It was stressful at the beginning but slowly I got there. I started collected everything and preparing myself for something shock, different life, a new person in my life.

What sort of things were you feeling at the time? Those emotions and feelings?

I cried a lot – from happiness and from ‘I don’t know what to do’!

When I came back with the baby from the hospital I felt strange, I don’t know what to do, what I was supposed to do. When I was the hospital there was a midwife who helped me, could show me things, because no-one ever taught me how to be a mum, a newborn, a lone mum because family in Poland. When I’m new in the city it was a few months, I have some friends from work but I just felt… hold him and thought ‘what am I going to do with you? I need someone to hug me and I need to hug you 24/7’.

I felt stressed, lost, don’t know how I’m going to do it, how he’s going to be like. And there was no-one to talk to me, it was just me and him.

Did you reach out for support at any point?

Yes. Yes and no.

It’s been quiet, like I have my community centre when I know that place because I come here to see midwife, and after that, she was advising me there is some baby groups here. So I felt ‘should I go? I don’t know anyone, my English is not perfect. They’re not going to understand’.

But I just forced myself, I said, okay we’re going. I start attending baby massage group, to know how to massage baby, the routine, do it after bath, make the baby relaxed. So I come for those sessions and after a while the health visitor said on Wednesdays there is a Polish group here, and there are Polish mums if you want to come.

So with her advice I started coming here to that community centre, support centre, to meet them, to have Polish friends because I don’t know anyone at this time. And that’s become a really long journey in my life, coming to that centre.

It really helped because that created long-term friendships, that was when my son was one and a half, now my son is 11. I’m still friends with mums I met 9/10 years ago.

And if you could give one bit of advice to any new parents who might be feeling a little bit different at the moment since having a baby, what would you say?

My advice is always come to the community centre, the Polish group. You might build some new relationships that can help when you feel alone in the city, when your family is thousand miles from here, and you just want to talk with someone ‘oh yeah I can’t do this anymore’ or ‘I’m struggling’ or let’s just have a coffee and chat.

And you might know at that point, I’m not alone, I can have someone to speak to and it’s normal to feel all these emotions after baby because we at school learning English, Maths, all different, but no-one teaches you how to manage your emotions or how to be a parent, so that’s coming with the time.

And when you have someone to talk to, you can say oh yeah, it’s okay to sometimes not to be okay.