Loss and bereavement – supporting 11-16 year olds

The term ‘bereavement’ refers to the whole process of grief and mourning and is associated with a deep sense of loss and sadness.

Young people will grieve when a person they love dies, although they vary tremendously in how they react.

They are more resilient than adults in the face of bereavement, and in general they seem to be less affected in the long term by death than by parental separation.

A young person’s level of resilience depends on a number of factors; including temperament, self-esteem, ability to form new relationships, and having a confiding relationship with a surviving adult.

Parent’s reactions to loss will have a major impact on how children cope, and other family members may need reassurance that apparent indifference often occurs, and that grief may resolve more quickly in young people than in adults.

Top tips

All of the many different emotions that young people have during bereavement are completely natural and normal. Some children experience powerful emotions that they may find difficult to understand and manage. Some of the reactions can be unexpected or surprising and may seem inappropriate to adults (e.g. they may be deeply distressed one minute, then ask if they can go out to play) but this is normal and doesn’t mean that the child doesn’t care or isn’t grieving.
Adults often try to protect young people from things they think will upset or distress them. However, children need to be given information and to be included. They can feel more anxious or lonely if they don’t know what is happening. Bereaved children may have difficulties with other children who may ask difficult questions, or may avoid them because they don’t know what to say or they are worried about getting upset themselves.
Consider accompanying losses – a house move, for example, may initially have more impact than the death. Remember that children’s needs change over time, they may need to go over the details of the death again at a later stage.
Think about yourself: talking to a young person about the death of someone close may be among the hardest things you have done or will do. It can be exhausting and bewildering and it may also bring back memories of your own. Recognise that conversations may feel uncomfortable or awkward, but try to put these feelings aside and discuss things openly and freely, this will reassure children that these issues are ok to talk about.
Do what you can to support the young person, but don’t expect too much of yourself and talk to someone if you need support.

Things that could help

Loss and Bereavement Guide and Toolkit – This toolkit brings together practical resources, guidance and tools to help anyone who works with children and families in Portsmouth and parents, carers and other key adults. The toolkit offers easy-to-access information, useful templates and signposts to further support.

Simon Says is a child and young person bereavement support charity that provides support and advice to children and their families across Hampshire.

For more information about how they might be able to support you, visit the Simon Says website or call their support line on 023 8064 7550.

Cruse support after suicide offers a free and confidential service to anyone affected and bereaved by suicide, or suspected suicide. This includes support for children, young people and their families.

Traumatic Bereavement | UKTC (uktraumacouncil.org) For school staff, practitioners and parents. Tools to identify, help and support children and young people experiencing traumatic bereavement.

Winston’s Wish is a childhood bereavement charity that offers a wide range of practical support and guidance to bereaved children, their families and professionals.

Getting advice and help

Signs that a child may need extra help include:

Inability to sleep.
Loss of appetite.
Prolonged fear of being alone.
Acting like a much younger child for a long time.
Denying that the family member has died.
Imitating the dead person all the time.
Talking repeatedly about wanting to join the dead person.
Withdrawing from friends.
A sharp drop in school performance, or refusal to attend school.

Most children who are bereaved will not require specialist mental health services normally what is needed is the support of family, friends and the school community. In schools, trusted adults who know their pupils are usually best placed to offer support.

Within schools there is a range of pastoral support available that includes Emotional Literacy Support Assistants (ELSAs) and Special Educational Needs Co-ordinators (SENCO’s).

Kooth also supports young people who are bereaved. Kooth is a free online counselling and wellbeing support service, which is available to all young people aged 11-25 in Portsmouth. Young people can access self-help resources, moderated peer support and professional support from counsellors.

There are no waiting lists or referrals, young people can visit Kooth.com and register anonymously. The site is available 24/7 with counselling available 12pm – 10pm on weekdays and 6pm – 10pm on weekends, all year round.

Getting more help

You may want to consider referral to Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS) when the loss has had an extreme impact on the child and their functioning, or when the child is experiencing difficulties after bereavement support

Available Monday to Friday, 9am – 5pm.

Contact: 0300 123 6632.

Loss and bereavement – supporting 11-16 year olds

Top tips

Things that could help

Getting advice and help

Getting more help

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