Self-harm

Helping yourself if you self-harm

During intense urges to hurt yourself, it can be hard to imagine that it’s possible to do anything else.

But there are things you can do to cope right now. And ways to take care of yourself in the long term.

This page covers:

• Coping with urges to self-harm right now
• Long-term coping with self-harm

If you feel unable to keep yourself safe, it’s a mental health emergency. Get emergency advice.

Coping with urges to self-harm right now

The most common ways to cope with an urge to self-harm involve distraction and delay.

Distracting yourself from the urge to self-harm

Distracting yourself from the urge to self-harm can give you breathing space and reduce the intensity of the urge.

You can do distraction activities when you feel the urge to self-harm. Or as soon as you become aware that you’re self-harming.

Different distractions work for different people. And the same distraction may not work for you every time. For example, distracting yourself from anger feels very different to distracting yourself from fear.

It can help to have a few different strategies depending on what you’re feeling. Here are some suggestions.

If you feel angry and frustrated

• Hit cushions or a pillow
• Squeeze a rubber ball really hard
• Play loud music
• Tear something up into lots of pieces, like a newspaper or a book you no longer need
• Clench then relax all your muscles
• Write or draw on paper what has made you angry, then scrunch it up

If you feel sad or fearful

• Wrap yourself in something cosy, such as a jumper or blanket
• Spend time with an animal, or cuddle a soft toy
• Go for a walk to somewhere that you find soothing, and take someone with you if this would help
• Journal your feelings – you could write them down, or record a video or audio clip
• Let yourself cry or sleep
• Listen to soothing music
• Call or message someone that you care about
• Call a helpline, such as Samaritans, or use a peer support service like Side by Side
• Lie in a comfortable position and breathe in and out slowly several times, making your out breath longer than your in breath
• Try other relaxation exercises

If you feel a need to be in control

• Set yourself a timer and do some tidying up for that amount of time
• Declutter or rearrange your furniture
• Write down or record yourself saying what you’re feeling or thinking, then tear it up or write down all the ways you could challenge this
• Do something creative, like using a colouring book, drawing or learning a new skill
• Play games on your phone, if you have one
• Do some gardening, or plant some seeds in your home

If you feel numb or disconnected

• Smell something with a strong odour
• Wash your face with cold water
• Open a window or blow a fan at full blast
• Hold objects with different textures (soft, smooth, stretchy) and focus on the sensations
• Draw or put a plaster on the area of your body that you want to harm
• Massage the area where you want to harm yourself
• Practise mindfulness

Delaying self-harm

This removes some of the pressure to completely stop self-harming. Instead, you commit to a set amount of time that you won’t self-harm.

For example, you could set yourself the goal to wait 5, 10 or 15 minutes before you self-harm. It can also help to use distraction techniques during this time.

You may find this really hard. Don’t worry if you’re not able to wait that long at first. If you can, slowly increase the time you wait. And gradually build up the gaps between each time you self-harm.

This might help you feel more in control. And for some of us, any urges may pass by the time the waiting is over.

Long-term coping with self-harm 

Coping long-term with self-harm can be hard. It can take time and practice. It may also involve understanding why you self-harm. This can help you find alternatives.

You might make some progress and then feel like you’re going backwards. If this happens, try and remind yourself that you’re not failing. It’s a common part of the process.

Understand your triggers and urges

Keep track of what happens before, during and after you self-harm. This can help you understand what gives you the urge to self-harm, and recognise these urges more quickly in future. You could use a diary or app, or note things on your phone or a piece of paper.

But doing this can bring up difficult feelings. So make sure you do something relaxing or enjoyable afterwards. You could also ask someone else to help fill in the diary with you.

It may help to break down your experience between triggers and urges.

What are triggers?

Triggers are what give you the urge to hurt yourself. They can be anything. For example, people, situations, anniversaries of events, sensations, specific thoughts or feelings. There doesn’t have to be one specific trigger.

Thinking about why you’ve self-harmed can feel overwhelming. You could note down what happened just before you self-harmed, and how you felt afterwards. For example:

• Did you have particular thoughts or feelings?
• Did a situation, person or object remind you of something difficult?
• What time of day did you feel triggered?
• What urges did you experience and how strong were they?
• Did you try any distractions when you noticed you were triggered? Were they helpful?
• How did you feel after you self-harmed?

What are urges?

An urge is a desire or a craving to do something. When you feel an urge to self-harm, there might be signs in your body, behaviour or emotions, such as:

• Racing heart or feelings of heaviness
• Strong feelings like sadness or anger
• A numbness or disconnection from yourself
• Repetitive thoughts or visions about harming yourself
• Unhealthy behaviours like using alcohol or drugs, or keeping very busy to avoid feelings

Recognising your triggers and urges can help you gradually reduce or stop self-harming. Learning more about them can help you notice them more easily and take action.

Prepare a support plan

If you self-harm regularly, health professionals might suggest that you create a support plan. You might also hear this called a safety plan.

A support plan can help keep you safe if you feel like self-harming. Your plan is personal to you, but it could include:

• How to recognise your warning signs – you could think about any changes in your thoughts, feelings or behaviour that you noticed before you last self-harmed
• Your coping strategies – you may have found certain things helpful for coping with difficult feelings in the past. Try thinking about how you can use these things to help yourself now
• Names and contact details of people you trust – these are people you can ask for help if you’re feeling distressed
• Names and contact details of professionals who can support you – this could include your local crisis team
• Details of helplines and listening services – these can help you when you’re feeling distressed. Trained professionals can listen to how you feel and keep you company, for as long as you need. See our helplines page for more information
• What you can do to make your environment safe – for example, removing things you could use to self-harm
• Details of a safe place you can go for support – this could be the home of a friend, family member, or someone else you trust

If you can, try to make the plan when you’re feeling a bit better. It helps if you can think clearly about what you’d find helpful when you’re struggling.

It might also help to make the plan with someone you trust. For example, a friend or therapist.

You can also download an example of a safety plan from the Samaritans website.

Create a self-care box

You might find it helpful to keep a box of items to open when you feel like you want to self-harm.

This could include items that can help you distract yourself from self-harm. And things that feel comforting to see, hear, touch, taste and smell.

This might include:

• Photographs of people or places you care about
• Art supplies, such as colouring books, pens and pencils
• Activities, such as puzzle books, other books you find interesting, cross-stitch, or any games you can play
• Something to do with your hands, such as a fidget toy or playdough
• Soft items, such as a blanket or a pair of cosy socks
• Something that smells nice, such as a scented candle
• Something to listen to, such a link to a playlist or audiobook you find comforting
• A notepad and pen to write down how you feel

Your box should be personalised to you. Make sure you include things that will soothe you, and you will find helpful.

Practise self-compassion 

Being compassionate to yourself can be hard, especially if you have low self-esteem. But you can start small and build up. And it can make a big difference to your relationship with yourself, and with self-harm.

Here are some things you could try:

• Practise speaking and thinking more kindly about yourself, in the same way as you would about someone you care about. Ask yourself questions like “What would I say to a friend going through this situation?”
• Write a letter from the part of you that feels you want to punish yourself, then write back with as much compassion and acceptance as you can
• Say affirmations to yourself – for example, “even though I feel like hurting myself, I am going to find another way to express how upset I feel”
• Celebrate wins, no matter how small. For example, if you wanted to self-harm but didn’t, or managed to go longer than usual without self-harming. Try to focus on these achievements. Writing them down might help
• Write down three things you appreciate about yourself, no matter how small. If you’re finding this difficult, ask someone you care about to do it for you. If you’re seeing a therapist, they can also help you identify these
• Try mindful self-compassion – notice and name feelings as you become aware of them, without judging them

See our information about self-esteem for more suggestions.

Reach out for support

Asking for help can feel hard, especially if you worry that people might judge you or not be supportive. Remind yourself that everyone needs support at different times, and that it’s ok to ask for help.

If you feel able to share your experience, it can make a big difference to how you feel. It can help reduce feelings of shame and isolation. And it will increase the chance of you getting the support you need.

If you feel ready, choose someone you trust to talk to about how you’re feeling. This could be a friend, family member, therapist or health professional.

Remember that you’re in control of what you say. And you don’t have to say anything that you’re not ready to share. You could write things down if you’re struggling to talk about your feelings.

If people aren’t supportive

If the reactions from people in your life aren’t supportive, this can be really hard. It might make you more afraid of opening up again in future or seeking help. You may feel like you need to cover up your self-harm, or lie to others about it, to prevent them from getting upset.

Write a list of the people, organisations and websites that you can go to for help when you are finding things difficult. This will remind you that you’re not alone, and where you can get help. This could be a helpline if you don’t feel you have anyone you can trust.

Be kind to yourself if you relapse 

You might have gone some time without self-harming, but then started again. This is sometimes called a relapse.

There could be a number of reasons why you’ve started self-harming again. But having more difficult times doesn’t mean you’ve failed or gone backwards. Ups and downs are a normal part of managing self-harm.

When you’re feeling a bit better, try to understand why you self-harmed. This could help you make changes and prepare for similar situations in the future.

You could think about when you stopped self-harming before, and what helped and didn’t help last time. And whether there’s anything you can do again now.

Starting the process of not self-harming again shows your strength. And you know you were already successful in stopping once. So this time, you may find it easier to stay free from self-harm for longer.

Look after your scars

Some types of self-harm may leave you with physical scars. What these scars mean is different for everyone.

You may see self-harm scars as an important part of your story and a reminder of your progress. You might feel comfortable with them.

Or you may prefer not to have a physical reminder of difficult thoughts and feelings. Or you might feel ashamed or embarrassed about them. You might try to hide parts of your body to stop others from seeing them.

It’s important to do what feels right for you so that you feel comfortable in yourself. If you want to cover or reduce your scarring, treatments are available. See the LifeSIGNS website to learn more about scar reduction and skin camouflage.

Supporting someone who self-harms

Supporting someone who self-harms can be hard. You might be unsure of how to help, or what to say. This could make you feel powerless. But your attitude and how you communicate can make a big difference. And there are lots of ways to offer support, and look after yourself.

This page covers:

• Acknowledge your feelings
• Try to stay calm
• Don’t judge
• Let them know you’re there for them
• Relate to them as a whole person
• Avoid stigmatising language
• Let them control their decisions
• Offer to help them find support
• Create a support plan with them
• Be patient
• Validate them
• Take care of yourself

Acknowledge your feelings

It can be hard to know how to react if someone you know is self-harming. You might feel anxious, shocked, powerless, angry, or like you should have done more to help. You may want to fix things and find answers.

It’s also common to feel scared that someone who is self-harming might seriously hurt themselves, or even take their own life. But self-harm doesn’t necessarily mean that someone wants to end their life.

For some people, self-harm gives them another way of coping with emotional pain. People self-harm for lots of different reasons and there are ways you can support them.

What if they tell me they feel suicidal?

If someone you know is self-harming and they talk about feeling suicidal, this can be distressing. It’s important to take this seriously.

See Mind’s pages on supporting someone who feels suicidal for more information.

Try to stay calm

You may feel lots of different emotions when you find out that someone you care about is self-harming.

But if your response is intense or angry, this can be overwhelming. It could leave them feeling guilty about the impact of their self-harm on you.

This can make things much harder, so try to stay calm if you can. Focus on empathising with what they are going through.

Don’t judge

If someone feels judged for their self-harm, they may be less likely to ask for help.

Although it often isn’t, self-harm can sometimes be a person’s way of asking for their distress to be noticed or taken seriously. If it is, there’s nothing wrong with wanting attention. And the distress they feel could make it harder to be direct about what they need.

Let them know you’re there for them

You don’t always have to talk about self-harm. Just going to visit and sitting with them could be enough. Or checking in regularly over the phone or on social media.

If they don’t feel up to this, you can still let them know you’re thinking of them.

Relate to them as a whole person

It’s important to relate to them as a whole person, not just their self-harm. Keep inviting them to occasions and events that you normally would. This could help them feel involved and show that you’ve not changed your opinion of them.

Try not to refer to the person you’re supporting as a ‘self-harmer’. This suggests that this is part of their identity, rather than behaviour.

Try to remind them of the things you like about them. And keep doing the things you’d usually do together.

Avoid stigmatising language

There is a lot of stigma associated with self-harm. Try not to use stigmatising language, even if you feel angry or hurt.

For example, some people may call someone who self-harms attention seeking or selfish. This can be really hurtful.

It can help to use the same language as the person you’re supporting. This shows you’re listening, and that you’re trying to understand how they feel.

Let them control their decisions

Some people self-harm to feel more in control of their situation. So try to be sensitive to this and avoid taking control of their decisions. For example, by removing objects they might use to harm themselves.

It can seem helpful, but should be done on their terms. You could ask them first if they’d like you to help by removing items.

Offer to help them find support

Ask them what would be most helpful. But be patient if they’re not ready to get support yet.

If they are, our treatment for self-harm page has tips on where they can go for help. You could help them research these. Or you could offer to attend appointments with them, or make their environment safer.

Create a support plan with them

A support plan can help someone stay safe if they feel like they want to self-harm or are in crisis. You might also hear this called a safety plan.

Be patient

Asking them to stop self-harming for you, or for any other reason, can make them feel guilty. This often makes things worse. It’s important that they seek help in their own time, even if this might feel difficult for you.

If they relapse with their self-harm, remember it’s possible to go a while without self-harming before having a setback.

This can feel distressing and frustrating. But they may feel confused and distressed too. Try to remind them that relapses and setbacks are a normal part of managing self-harm. And encourage them that they can cope.

Validate them

You may try to cope by not speaking to the person or acknowledging their self-harm. It may feel easier to ignore what’s going on. Or you might feel worried you’ll make things worse by asking them about it.

But ignoring it can make them feel lonelier and more isolated. You may not understand why they feel or react the way they do. But it can mean a lot to simply acknowledge and validate how they’re feeling.

For example, you could say something like “I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time and that it’s made you feel like self-harming. I care about you and I’m here if you want to talk.”

Take care of yourself

• Take time to look after yourself too – supporting someone who is self-harming can be difficult and upsetting at times. Looking after yourself will not only help you stay well. It means you can support them more effectively too. Find out more about looking after yourself in Mind’s pages on how to cope when supporting someone else and improving your wellbeing. You can also visit the Carers UK website
• Share experiences, learn and get support from other people in the same situation. You could ask your GP about any local groups available to support friends and family of people who self-harm
• Think about what you can and can’t control – it may help to write things down. As much as you may want to help, you can’t be completely responsible for someone else’s mental health. All you can do is try your best to support them
• Ask for help – if you’re struggling, reach out to others and ask for support. This could be through people close to you, through your GP or a therapist
• Take things one step at a time – you’re not always going to do or say the right thing and that’s ok. If you don’t manage a situation as well as you could have, try to forgive yourself and move forward