A conversation with Charley Nixon

Charley is a mum to seven children, having her first aged 16, and has struggled with her mental health throughout. She talks to Hayley Cook about her mental health journey and the advice she would give to other parents who might be struggling with their mental health.

So Charley tell me a little bit about your journey with mental health.

So when I had my son, Bobby, at the age of 16, I started to feel depressed, sleeping a lot, getting ratty and things like that, but I thought that was normal and carried on the journey with Bobby.

But then when I was 17, I had Bethany, my daughter, and then got a bit unpassed with the way that I was thinking. I was thinking about what if my baby had passed away, how would I cope, what if I passed away and how would my baby feel growing up without a mum.

And then it’s like, it wouldn’t be just one thought and it’d go away, it would be like little bits each day and then it would look and as it would get stronger about the dying situation, the death, and getting scared of dying, all people dying around me. And then it got to people that I didn’t know when I’d look at people.

And then I got myself a bit, I spiralled, and I just wanted to sleep and not be awake because the thoughts and feelings were getting stronger and stronger.

I went to the doctors and they said I have depression and anxiety. I didn’t want to take the tables because, well, I tried to take my tablets and the feeling of the tablets were making me feel worse, feelings of being sick, feeling that things weren’t real around me. So I stopped taking them and I thought that I could better by myself but I didn’t.

How were you feeling at that moment in time?

I felt upset, felt like I was hurting in my belly and racing thoughts, couldn’t think straight, you know.

So, when I was feeling the way I was feeling inside, I’d sometimes feel a bit like I couldn’t express my feelings.

Then I’d start having relationship problems with my partner where I’d shout and just being so off, like racing and agitated.

Then it got all the time. If I wasn’t asleep, that’s how I feel. Anyone would make me up, I’d shout and shout and get agitated.

And then life started taking it’s toll on me, like I want to be a mum, but didn’t know if I could be a mum because of all these thoughts and feelings.

You were a young mum as well weren’t you?

I was 15 when I fell pregnant, 16 when I had Bobby and then I didn’t obviously allow myself enough time, I fell pregnant with Bethany.

When I had Bethany that was when things started coming again because after I had Bobby, it was like a few months I started feeling. But it somehow, I dunno whether it’s cause my life was so chaotic around me that it distracted me from the inside.

Then I fell pregnant, had Bethany, and had the thoughts again.

And  did you start to feel the same after your other children too?

Yes, I think I sort of started calming down after Bethany, I dunno how many months or how long after, but it did.

But then I had Ronnie and that got quite bad because I was too scared to talk about it.

And when I’d go to bed at night, each night, cause before you go to sleep you think, each night it got stronger cause then I started thinking about gravestones with our names and that on it.

That’s when I needed to get some help because I didn’t want to think about things like that no more.

What made you scared to talk about it? Why didn’t you want to talk about the way you were feeling?

Because the things I felt were so unnatural, and to feel like that and think like that. I thought I was the only one that was thinking and feeling like that.

And I was too scared because I didn’t know how people would react, and didn’t want them to think badly of me or think ‘she’s crazy’ or ‘why would she be thinking that, it that what she would want’ or you know.

But it’s not, your mind just goes into like overdrive and if you don’t get help for it, it gets worse.

Who did you speak to, or how did you realise that it wasn’t just you?

I spoke to my GP, Dr Mo, and I told him that, because where I had a good relationship with him, I thought cause he’s a doctor he’s seen so many other people and he should know cause it’s not normal for me to think like that, and especially about gravestones.

So, he sent me through the mental health team and I was put on the waiting list and he gave me some tablets. I did take the tablets but then I felt better, so I stopped that time.

And so you got help through the NHS? And what service was that?

That was the A2i team at St. Mary’s. I saw, I can’t remember the lady’s name cause this was years ago, and I saw the same person each time, and I spoke to her about loads of things.

I had a bad upbringing which didn’t help in the future with me having children. I knew what I wanted to do when I had children, I knew what I wanted to be like.

But having that inside me, how I felt and feel and what was going on, stopped me from being the person that I wanted to be as a mum to my children.

So, I had to get the help and I did for a six month period. They diagnosed me with anxiety disorder, manic depression, BPD, histrionic disorder. And that’s it off the top of my head.

How have you felt since then? Have you been able to manage your feelings and thoughts better?

Yes, because when I went to see them and they knew that there was obviously something not right about my mind, the way I’m thinking, the way I’m processing things.

So then I knew that okay, I have this and this is me. So I need to work with me to get myself back up, and going to be the better person and the better mum to my children, and to me.

What sort of tools did they give you?

So they gave me the right medication, and then breathing tools. When I get myself flustered and I’ll sit there and I’ve done a pencil breath where I’ll breath in and then squiggle out. I found that was easy and easy enough for me to remember.

And then once I learned, start learning that my body went all natural to it. So, I’ve done breathing techniques.

Have you reached out for any support since then?

Yeah, I had more children and more trauma in my life. I didn’t have a good relationship with my ex-partner, which led to more and sent me into a spiral. I had a background where he took my kids and things like that, so I wasn’t myself.

And then I spiralled a bit out of control and I used alcohol. But, that wasn’t getting my anywhere.

My mum passed away then as well and I got back involved with social services to try and get my children back. Social services pointed me in the right direction and the school with Nina, so they helped me with like you know, you can do this, go to that, we can refer you to this.

So, now I’ve referred myself to CBT, so I’m doing CBT every Monday now. And she’s learning me new skills – because at the minute I’m only halfway through it.

My medication and I’m taking that now. I’ve stopped thinking ‘oh now I’m better I can come off that’ but because keeping on that medication helps you, balance out the chemicals in your brain, which I’ve learned that now.

So then it helps you focus on other strategies that you can learn while you’re on the medication. So now, I’m doing that and then I’ll be going onto my next course of the eye thing – I can’t remember what that’s called.

You’ve been through so much, and you’ve struggled with your mental health throughout. What advice would you give to others?

What I’ve learned is basically where I didn’t get all the help, I’ve wasted all them years with my children being young, and being the mum that I wanted to be.

And now, I’ve got the right help and support, I’m on the right path of being the mum that I want to be and be the person that I’m trying, that I’m definitely gonna be.

I’ve still got a bit of a way to go but I know that all I would say is to get help as soon as you can, cause you can’t get back them years.

And that’s what I’ve had to look, I felt guilty on all them years of my older children, and I’ve had to stop feeling guilty and can’t change the past, but I can change the future.